Hi Emily, Your situation sounds incredibly similar to where I was a few months ago. There was a point when I hadn't picked up my sketchbook for months and months ('twas not a good time), but I've recently gotten back into drawing regularly, so I'll share what helped me: I don't know if this will work for you, but it really helped me to draw with other people around my own skill level. Seeing them make drawings that were decent but not spectacular or anything without beating themselves up about it and just having fun somehow allowed me to go easier on myself as well.  (this does rely on having art friends tho, lol. heck maybe I could show you some of my mediocre drawings that I don't hate myself for? idk.) Another thing that helped was setting out with the purpose of doing a bad drawing, to kinda take the pressure off.  As for the difficulty planning an art curriculum, as a fellow autistic I can definetly relate to being overwhelmed by the sheer amount of things there are to learn. I did pretty well following Stan's basic figure drawing course. I just did the free version because I was still at the point where I really just needed to learn the basics. The structure with the assignments worked well for me. Also I'd highly reccomend the youtube channel Xabio arts, the vibes are very chill and there's alot of emphasis on being nice to yourself even if you think your art is trash.  Regarding the Tattoo portfolio, have you seen that reality TV show InkMaster? They're really horribly mean on that show. IDK if it is representative of the entire Tattoo community, but if it is, then having your work laughed at is about the gentlest response you can hope for!  Anyway, I hope some of that is helpful. I am not old nor wise, but I've definetly been there (kinda still am there sometimes). Best of luck!  - Crystal

Hello Emily :), I like to make long responses but looking at what my colleagues wrote I'll try make it a bit shorter. I do think that what is happening to you have been experienced by every art students that have ever lived, at least I can assure you I was for sure. So you’re not alone in that. You said that you were just happy drawing then and now you feel overwhelm, I think that this can be explained by a very simple thing with a weird name : the dunning krueger effect. Basically what this effect describe is that when you start something, you know so little about the subject that you think you are good at it, therefore you were just enjoying yourself. The thing is, now you have explored the field enough to be aware of how vast and difficult the subject is. So at each drawing you can spot all the errors,you know way more and this is why you feel different about your drawings. You can check a ted video : https://youtu.be/pOLmD_WVY-E , at ~3:30 they mention being intermadiate, but the whole video is interesting. I have some advice that can help you : 1) Accept where you are now.I know, it's hard, but fighting it will prevent you how moving forward. Drop the perfection, the if this, if that, accept and move on. 2) Learning how to learn and also how You learn is one of the most important skills to have on this road. I never go over a 20min video in one sitting, I'm overwhelmed way before. Then I come back the next day and watch the same 20min trying to grasp the knowledge. Then again two day after giving my brain some rest. I don't go further in the video until I don't understand, if I do it will cascade. If you're interested : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O96fE1E-rf8 for a starter 3) This is a long road, focusing on all the stops you have to make, and hours you have to put, will make you want to quit before even beginning. Just pick the next stop, like perspective, and go there, start learning small chunks and ask yourself questions, write them. BE PRECISE, your brain is trained to answer specific questions and follow tangible actions. Drop " How to be good ?' and " Goal : be good at perspective " ang go with " What is a horizon line ?" " Goal : Watching first proko video and answering all the question"... 4) Hang in there, you never quit when you stop drawing you're just making a pause until you go back to it :) One day at a time. I hope you'll find something that can help you in there :).

Hello Emily, First of all, let me tell you that I am not a professionnal artist by any means. So please take any advice from me with a grain of salt, but I think I understand what you are going through. To break that never-ending cycle of not "feeling good enough", it is sometimes efficient to "start from scratch". What I am trying to say is that just put aside any expectations about your art and approach it like you are rediscovering the joy of making art for the first time. Then, along the way, you can focus on learning the fundamentals at your own pace. The important part is to take some distance from your previous experiences as an artist. Your brain will still remember the previous information gathered from the past years, but it is kind of a trick to put you in a different mindset. And if you feel you are dishonest to yourself by making a totally different kind of art, let me tell you that it is perfectly normal to change the direction of your career if you want to. So, my advice would be maybe just rediscover the process of making art and see where it can bring you. It is like an adventure. Making art as a job is really different from making art as a hobby. Both are great in their own way. I think you just need to take the time to rediscover what truly matters to you in art in general, at the same time. One last thing : I think you should put your creations where some people with the same interests as you can share some advice about you art. If such a place doesn't exist for the kind of art you make, just create it. We are sometimes too harsh with our own selves to really assess the quality of our own creations. It can help with the "throwing the drawings directly into the bin" part. I hope this can help you in any way shape or form. I wish you a nice day.

I think this is an opportunity to do something totally different! Maybe just splash some colours around and do something abstract, then it is experimental and you don't have to worry about it having to look like anything in particular. Find the enjoyment again and try not to judge what you've done (or at least no longer than 20 seconds until you've got the joy back again) 😊

Hi Emily.   Apologies for the massive response!   Ex-tattooist apprentice here. I thought I’d reply because I feel like it’s good to know there’s others out there who have similar experiences. Obviously, we’re all different, and my story isn’t the same as yours, but my story might help you out.   I was always drawing growing up, and near the end of high school I decided I wanted to become a tattooist. The first 3 month of me interacting with the tattooist who I would eventually study under was asking for feedback on my work and incorporating it into my drawings. Eventually, after this back and forth, I asked him if I had what it takes to be a tattooist and he took me on as his apprentice. This happened when I was 16-17 years old.   Now, I was terrified of this guy because I grew up in a very religious house (and was still very religious at this time), so I had all this baggage and fear about hanging out in a tattoo shop with these tough, older men. I’m also a big softy who tears up at weddings and stuff like that. I think that gives you an idea of how uncomfortable I was in this environment. My mental health took a real dive and it got to the point where my creativity and drawing ability kind of “shut down”. Eventually, I had to hand the keys back to my boss and call it.   During my time at the tattoo shop, drawing went from something I enjoyed doing for its own sake and wanted to be good at, to something I HAD to be good at just to stay afloat. That, coupled with everything else that was going on at the time, made me lose my love of drawing.   I barely drew at all for the next 8-9 years. I completed a degree in civil engineering because “I’m good with maths, it’s a stable job, and I think I could enjoy it”. I’d do some sketching every now and then during this period but it was pretty rare. Fast forward to 27-28 and I’m working in a civil engineering company telling myself I’m enjoying the job. I then hit a point in life where I let go of all the thoughts I’d been pushing down like “I don’t want to do this job my whole life”, “I spent 7 years on a degree that doesn’t suit me”… and at that point I realised that I’d let my passion for drawing die.   At this point, I got back a longing to enjoy drawing and kind of went nuts with it, but I wasn’t enjoying it the same way I did in the past. I think that’s because I was so desperate to make up for lost time, escape from my current work, and get back into the excitement of the professional art world that I (once again) made the progression of skill my main goal. I couldn’t just enjoy moving a pencil across paper anymore. I did get more skilled during this time but the experience wasn’t what I wanted it to be.   So I did some reflecting and decided NOT to get any better at drawing for a while and to just do mediocre drawings and I tell you what – It’s was awesome. Now I find that instead of “the need to get better” driving the fundamental / skill side of practice, curiosity does that work for me. I’ll be thinking about a method or drawing problem and questions pop into my mind that I’ll get excited to experiment with. Gesture drawing is also really enjoyable now because I can completely mess up a gesture, and it doesn’t matter – there’s another one coming right up. If I can’t think of a creative idea it doesn’t matter – I’ll just draw something I can see and I'll have an idea later. It’s like I’m slowly getting better for free.   I still have times when I’m dissatisfied. I came out of my office one night, my wife asked me what was wrong, and I said out loud “I’m so bad at drawing!!!” which makes me laugh now. But in a funny way, letting go of the “Importance” of drawing is the thing that has started to bring it back for me. It’s not the same feeling as drawing in my notebooks during classes in high school, but I’m a lot closer!   ------ So my suggestion is to give yourself a set period of time (I gave myself 6 months) to do drawings that are allowed to be at whatever standard they pop out as. Let go of the standards you’ve set yourself for originality, skill, beauty, or whatever else you’ve got in mind. Feed your mind with whatever entertainment gets your imagination going, then do the most derivative work the world has ever seen!   Also, don’t give up on your tattooing dreams but give them the time they need to become reality. I’m happy to give some feedback on your tattoo portfolio as well if you would like (I’m not a tattooing super star by any means but I know a bit about what they’re looking for).

Do you listen to Draftsmen podcast? Stan and Marshall often get asked this question and they have interesting responses. They also have a sponsor for mental health called Better Help that they refer people to, because sometimes there are larger issues that it's healthy to address before sitting down to draw. It might just be drawing that's the issue, and if so there's a great book by Urban Sketcher France Van Stone called SKETCH! Which is simply about the joy of sketching and breaking out of a rut, to incorporate sketching as a daily practice. Fast sketches, good sketches, bad sketches, any sketches. Personally I have experienced what you describe. It's OK to feel that, and to take a break if needed. It's ok to make bad drawings and forgive yourself. This clears room for some serious time to have a self dialogue, without the distraction of self doubt. You can answer questions like what do I actually want to do? What would be a good step toward that? It might be "get out my pencils" or maybe "research videos on drawing people from life" Hopefully you can remember to reconnect with the ease and joy of why you draw. And if you want to get more serious about the skill building side of drawing, I wish you luck finding the resources and patience to help you achieve those goals.

If you are not familiar with Steven Zapata, I would strongly recommend his videos as he is one of the few artists/instructors who talks openly and eloquently about the kind of problems you are describing. This video addresses some of what you expressed but his channel is a gold mine for other insights on topics ranging from artist block to overcoming insecurities in the art practice: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2UJuQ0Ma1L4 Additionally, he often speaks about the problem with pursuing "the fundamentals", wherein many artists become so overwhelmed with "getting good" that they become paralyzed and burnt out because trying to learn "everything" is not sustainable nor is it actually something that most professionals do. Instead, he advocates for simply creating the thing you want to make, whatever brings you the most joy, regardless of your perceived lack of skill. Making the things you want to make will reveal your strengths and weaknesses as an artist. It is also the only true form of practice that will get you closer to your goal. Doing a million gesture drawings won't help you make a finished painting. Making a finished painting will help you make finished paintings. I also want to congratulate you on creating a tattoo portfolio. You did a big thing and unfortunately other people didn't recognize it for the undertaking that it was. That is OK. But their reaction DOES NOT mean that you are unworthy of doing that project again. It does not mean that you MUST improve your skill before you can earn the right to make what you love. You have that right as your human inheritance and no one can take it from you. In fact, I might go so far as to say fuck the fundamentals. Fuck the syllabus. You don't need it. And if you do need some piece of that skills-based practice, the best way to find out where to focus your time and energy is to make a project of your choice that speaks to your passions and see where along the way that you need help. Anyway, I stole most of this stuff from Steven so just go watch his channel, listen to him as he draws, draw with him as he draws. He's great. I hope this helps even just a little tiny bit because the art journey is hard and we need every scrap of good, true, honest advice and encouragement that we can get. Cheers.

This is so relatable, this are some mentality tips that helped me: 1- I think Snoop Dog said once: "Don´t fall in love with the product, fall in love with the process". In art, failing and making horrible "products" may feel wrong, but thats just part of a healthy process. As hard as it may sound, you gotta acept your art sometimes will "suck". With time, you wont just accept it but actually be HAPPY failing, after all, you are in the part when quitting is most tempting, prevailing feels good. 2- I know trying to learn all the foundamentals is overwhelming. Focuse on one at a time. I would suggest working on form and gesture at the beggining. If you can´t make a figure look right with less than 10 gestural lines, how will you be able to do so with shadding, anatomy , lighting and whatever-fundamental-you-can-think-off on top. Going from big ideas to details is the way to go. 3- Don´t forget that as you learn, your knowledge will increase FASTER than your skills. That means your taste will be greater than the art you are able to produce. That feeling may be confused with not improving, so just be aware of that and keep grinding. 4- This may sound a bit harsh, but take a look at yourself and question if this is actually what you wanna do. If you decide to make your living out of art, then you know the deal: there is a looong path ahead and the earlier you follow the process, the earlier you'll feel good with you art. If thats not what you had envisioned, then learn to enjoy art again as a hobbie. There is absolutelly nothing wrong with making art just for pleasure. No mather which path you take, if you are being honest with yourself, you'll feel happier with your art. PS This are the books that helped me the most. : "Michael Hapton: Figure drawing design and invetion" Perfect for any skillset. "Force" by Michael Matessi, once you are decent with gesture, this will give you the extra push. And Andrew Lumis' "Fun with a pencil", helpful when you feel ready to start drawing from imagination

ive been in this slump for all of 2021 , i feel ya, and i seems like when ever you do make any progress, you will soon after loose all hope, for you're art, and its future as a hole , making you never want to touch a piece of paper ever again. recently its gotten so bad, to where when even i would try , i would start sweating really bad, and my head would start spinning and i couldn't think straight, not for one second, even my hands started to shake, but then , about a week ago , i just stopped everything, i tuned off everything in my room , and i thought to my self whats really keeping me like this , whats stressing me out so much so i spent a hole day looking around my hole room in search for what could be doing this to me. i looked at how everything was around me , how far is my chair away from my desk, whats on my desk , what direction is my main light source coming from , how much how little dose it make me feel un nerved with the current way i have it, can i change it , how can i change it , when can i change it. well i did and it did help a bit i also moved a big metal locker that was at the other side of my room that was making me feel more squished in than what feels normal to me i also cleared my desk off , aka i cleaned it, i also did some wire management, i moved some stuff away from my desk so that i wouldn't have so many things around me, i made sure to clean the floor and to get rid of any clutter , i put everything away, that was not being used, i then took a brake , then i came back , i pulled out a stack of copy paper and put it on my clip board, and then went on to , proko to see what everybody , was doing at the time , and i saw all of the challenges i then thought to myself, i should make my own challenge , something that i know i could do right well i did one with, Christopher Alaimo, it was a challenge were i would draw something from my imagination , and then Christopher , would draw draw their own version of it , then they would draw something from their own imagination , and i would do my own version of, Christopher's drawing , well this helped a lot because , i dont draw female portraits ever, so i suck at drawing them , but you see when it became my turn to do my version of, Christopher's portrait , i had no choice but to do a female portrait , so i had no choice but to practice and to get better and i did , and i will show you that process. another thing that i did , to put me in the right mental state is i went through every single old drawing that i did to show myself just how far i had come, this helped me so much , and i realized that i have to keep going no matter what or it will have all been for nothing, idk if i can ever truly give up art as a hole because if i did i would never stop thinking about all of the different things that i could be doing , you know? and im not saying that you cant take brakes , all im saying is that you got to keep going no matter how hard it gets and believe i know how hard it can get , my cat that ive had since i was 6. just passed away three days ago , and i mourned his death deeply but i kept my chin up and i stayed focused on what was most important in life and even though i suffered i am still here but even stronger now , so i hope that this can help , because i truly do care and i hope that you do get better, and btw i dont even know my fundamentals yet , so dont feel to bad, 😅 you will get through this 💪 also remember that its ok to make mistakes , thats a part of the reason why we sketch to experiment' and to learn, i may take a thousand tries but one will stick and when it dose it will stick great , also at the end of the day as an artist you are you're own worst critic, good fruit for the brain 🤔 lol also this is just me what works for me may not work for everybody else so just remember you do you the best, with that , god bless and take care. ✌😉 and here is a pretty good video you might like a bit long thought ps this is just a tiny bit of what ive drawn in this past week, 😂 https://youtu.be/4Za-7SMS500